You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
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For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”