doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
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[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Not all heroes wear capes….
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?