if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
You Might Also Like
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what