Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
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Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.