I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
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Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam