WTF IS THAT!
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So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.