me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
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My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
this chia pet tastes awful
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
whatcha thinkin bout
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.