Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
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I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?