I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
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*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
OKAY DAD
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean