The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
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Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
TWEET CALL
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[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
first you must answer his riddles
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.