Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
You Might Also Like
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes