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How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.