me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
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Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
adding to the discourse
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs