*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
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I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.