West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
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Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.