Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
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my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I have so many questions.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.