My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
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“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
The Sun
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.