The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
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Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
so this horse walks into a bar
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams