Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
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[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.