A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
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How to wake up a Beagle
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Only Americans understand
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
When your man makes a valid point
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*