Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
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Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.