It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
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Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.