There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
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Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
lost dog
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.