Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
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A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead