[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
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Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
So glad we cleared that up
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
no!! no!!!!!!
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch