I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
You Might Also Like
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.