Still my favorite television listing of all time:
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There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
checking out some reviews of my local library
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.