Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
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DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!