You Might Also Like
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.