Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
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Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Before crowbars crows drank alone
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.