My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
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When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*