Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
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you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*