[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
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Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Breaking news:
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Finished stitching this today 😇
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.