Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
You Might Also Like
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Vodka burrito was a success
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.