Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
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My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
This hospital has everything
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.