Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
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How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.