Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
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They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
had to make it
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again