I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
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I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Dishonest mechanic?
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?