The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
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Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
*limbos away from your hug*
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Worth the read.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?