Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
You Might Also Like
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”