whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
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On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Sending in my taxes
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
#winning
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.