On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
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*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done