I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
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Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.