My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
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No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it