This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
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Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice