I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
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Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
This rocks
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.