Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
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Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
one last job
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.