Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
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i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap