Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
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[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
socratic questions
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.