judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
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Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.